


newsies groupchat

by mellybelly



Category: Newsies (1992), Newsies!: the Musical - Fierstein/Menken
Genre: Badly, F/F, F/M, Gay, Its all gay, M/M, Modern Newsies, Multi, but its fun too!, give these kids phones and see where it goes, it goes badly, newsies groupchat
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-07
Updated: 2019-03-19
Packaged: 2019-04-19 12:28:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 29
Words: 6,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14237313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mellybelly/pseuds/mellybelly
Summary: papa italiano has created ‘‘hattan hoes’ass-picious manner - Don’t do this Racealboo - yaHOO here we go boys!





	1. group names

finch - finch fries 

race - papa italiano

albert - alboo 

elmer - elmers gloo

jack - wannabe spice girl

spot - cryptid?? who knows

davey - ass-picious manner

roger - 605-475-6968

crutchie - crutch

kath - bad bitch 99

les - actual child, don’t let him in gc

specs - blind boi 

romeo - lovey boi

smalls - itty bby

sniper - bango

buttons - cuteasabutton

jojo - hoehoe

tommy boy - keep ya shirt on

mike - ike

ike - mike

mush - mushedpotatoes

medda - MOTHER


	2. the start

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> most of these are inspired by actual conversations i've had, while some i just came up with on my own. credit will be given if inspiration is taken from anything.

papa italiano has created ‘‘hattan hoes’

ass-picious manner - Don’t do this Race

alboo - yaHOO here we go boys!

cryptid?? who knows has left the group

papa italiano has added cryptid?? who knows to the group

cryptid?? who knows - fuck you i’m not even manhattan 

elmers gloo - we vote?

bad bitch 99 - stay

mike - stay

ike - stay

finch fries - slams gavel

finch fries - HE STAYS

cryptid?? who knows - fuck all of you

wannabe spice girl changed group name to ‘meme fuckers’

wannabe spice girl - better?

cryptid?? who knows - ...i’ll stay

keep ya shirt on - he stays!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow my tumblr @newsies-fics where you will find literally a garbage can full of large amounts of random posts all somehow related to this musical.


	3. race is a menace to society

papa italiano - we never truly appreciated the italian hand meme when it was at its peak

finch fries - race for the love of god go to bed

ass-picious manner - Italian hand meme?

papa italiano - THE GOD OF ALL MEMES

mushedpotatoes - go. to. bed 

hoehoe - on a different, but similar note, i’m real tired of the prove me wrong guy

wannabe spice girl - YES 

wannabe spice girl - he’s terrible

cryptid?? who knows has left the group

elmers gloo - dammit not again

blind boi - guys it is three in the goddamn morning, we have class tomorrow, we have work tomorrow. go to your own chat and let us sleep

papa italiano - mmm but fuck you though (im kidding i love you specs youre gr8)

ass-picious manner has put papa italiano on mute 

605-475-6968 - fuck him up dave

ass-picious manner - Wait whos number is that?

605-475-6968 - i hate all of you


	4. things my friend has done, this

crutch - a girl at the coffee shop said i was cute today and i had no idea how to tell her that im just,,,, im just so gay

alboo - whatd you say?

crutch - i made a weird noise and just kinda went ‘gay’ and bolted

bad bitch 99 - Crutchie, sweetie, I don’t think that was the right approach. 

crutch - WHAT ELSE WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO KATH

les - davey did somethin like that once

ass-picious manner - What

wannabe spice girl - ohh i wanna hear this story

ass-picious manner has removed les from the group

les has been changed to actual child, don’t let him in gc

wannabe spice girls - aw

ass-picious manner - He is ten, who the hell let him in

mike - actually im p sure he just got in on his own. gc isnt password protected

papa italiano - on it boyz

ass-picious manner - Make it something he can’t guess

papa italiano - oof i gotta perfect name


	5. the gays have struck again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was kinda sort of inspired by that one tweet? like the one with that dad and the kid saying his mom isnt the boss of him? idk thought it'd be funny so here ya go.

actual child, don’t let him in gc - morning guys

wannabe spice girl - wait a minute

wannabe spice girl - aren’t you not supposed to be in here?

actual child, don’t let him in gc - maybe

wannabe spice girl - i gotta tell davey

actual child, don’t let him in gc - why? hes not the boss of you

wannabe spice girl - this is a trap this is a trap this is a trap

finch fries - too late sucker i already texted your brother

finch fries - 3

finch fries - 2

finch fries - 1

ass-picious manner - LESTER JACOBS

cuteasabutton - oop

papa italiano - how did you even get in? i put a password on the gc???

actual child, don’t let in gc - the password is gays only event go home

actual child, don’t let in gc - you say it all the time, bad password when you always say it

papa italiano - damn this child is dragging me, davey make him stop

ass-picious manner has removed actual child, don’t let in gc from the group

ass-picious manner - Make the password better

papa italiano - i mean it was p great i dont know wtf youre on about


	6. mike and ike, group assholes

hoehoe - i just realized something

blind boi - what?

hoehoe - mike and ike switched their names on here. so mike is ike and ike is mike

papa italiano - wait what the fuck

ike - ....

mike - ,,,,,,

bango - oh my god youre right

wannabe spice girl - wait how can you tell?

cryptid?? who knows - ike always uses more text talk and abbreviations while mike uses the full words. mike also always uses ellipsis while ike just does a bunch of commas. now it's switched since the names are switched

keep ya shirt on - i-

wannabe spice girl - spot what the fuck

cryptid?? who knows - i don’t care im just observant 

papa italiano - yo @ mike and ike, change your names you little shits

mike - :(((((((

mike has been changed to ike

ike has been changed to mike

itty bby - i never realized our friends were such demons

wannabe spice girl - you become numb to it after a while

ike - alright edge lord


	7. authors note?? yeah sure

so I felt like I should inform you all on like what ships and stuff will be involved since I'm trash and haven't put it in the tags yet.

ralbert (probably eventual spralbert because I'm GARBAGE)

javid (it was a toss up between javid and jack x crutchie ((what is their ship name?)) but i decided against it)

newsbians (i needed it)

past jack and kath (it'll come up, they roast each other about)

blush (is that their ship name? if not it then oops, it's mush and blink)

i'll update and post about the other ships when i decide on them lmao. okay, back to the regularly scheduled trash!


	8. all these kids r gay and you cant stop me

alboo - someone called me gay today and im?? you right but like, why?

605-475-6968 - you’re gay?

alboo - oh did i forget to tell you guys? my bad lmao i’m gay as fuck

alboo - wait whos number is that

605-475-6968 - i fucking hate all of you

crutch - wait a minute how many of us are gay

wannabe spice girl - im bi as all hell

crutch - yes jack we all know and support you

papa italiano - pan as hell, too many cute ppl in this world

crutch - we know that too bud, and we also all support you race

bad bitch 99 - I’d like to say I’m bisexual, but I’m pretty sure Jack was just a lapse of judgment. So, I’m gay too.

wannabe spice girl - love u too kath

bad bitch 99 - <3 <3 <3

ass-picious manner - I’m gay too

hoehoe - i think the rest of us are just all over the spectrum 

keep ya shirt on - you right you right

alboo - you guys wanna know how race came out to me

elmoo - very much so yes

alboo - race, you wanna share?

papa italiano - .....

papa italiano - albert was making us dinner once when i was staying at his place and when he asked where his favorite pan was i pointed to myself 

blind boi - oj my f od

itty bby - how did you react albert?

alboo - i said “race i support and love you but dammit, where is my pan”

mike - yeah that sounds about right

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> races coming out story is literally how i came out to my boyfriend (he was just my best friend at the time) and his reaction was the same as alberts lmao


	9. it's getting gayer

elmoo - somebody forgot to refill the coffee pot today and that is just,,,, so transphobic 

elmoo - this is a hate crime against me

elmoo - not only did they not refill it, they took the entire pot

elmoo - who the fuck does that

wannabe spice girl - oops my bad

ass-picious manner - Jack does that. Sorry, I’ll bring it back during break.

lovey boi - how and why @ jack

wannabe spice girl - i,,, i dont remember

lovey boi - the lunch room has ppl watching to make sure you don’t steal stuff? how did you even walk out with it?

ass-picious manner - Jack has been having a rough few days. He's sneaky when he doesn't realize what he's doing.

papa italiano - ;);););)

ass-picious manner - Stop being a creep Race

wannabe spice girl - art project

elmoo - the coffee stealing makes sense now. you’re forgiven... this time

wannabe spice girl - bless you

ass-picious manner - So I was walking to return the coffee pot.

alboo - oop 

finch fries - ???

ass-picious manner - And as I’m walking, I hear something in the supply closet. Not wanting to be permanently scarred, I choose to ignore it and walk away. 

papa italiano - after you kicked the door but sure

ass-picious manner - And I’m about halfway down the hall when Race and Albert come out of the closet.

papa italiano - both literally and physically. albert and i are fucking yo

alboo - you could have phrased that better

alboo - we’re dating

crutch - you guys! congrats! 

wannabe spice girl - im taking a break from my art project so i can be a supportive group dad. im so happy for you guys!


	10. how the gays got together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is how race and albert got together (takes place before the coffee pot chapter and after alberts coming out chapter,,, yeah that makes sense)

anthony <3 - i know you came out like the meme you are, but im real proud of you for coming out to the rest of the group. that’s a big step and im real proud of you

albie ♡ - aw thanks racey, dunno what i’d do without you

anthony <3 - I actually got something to tell you

albie ♡ - oh you used a capital I, this could be bad. what’s up?

anthony <3 - just promise this ain’t gonna ruin us, our friendship or anything

albie ♡ - i promise. did you kill somebody? we still have plan body, it’s fine

anthony <3 - no, nothing like that

anthony <3 - I like you Albert, have for a while actually 

albie ♡ - well thats great news

albie ♡ - elmers right, you really are blind

anthony <3 - what?

albie ♡ - well i’m not exactly subtle about how much i like you. i don’t just cuddle with anyone, never share my food, never tell all my secrets, certainly don’t put a heart in their contact names

albie ♡ - i do for you though

anthony <3 - oh, wow, just, um, wow. 

anthony <3 - albert?

albie ♡ - yeah anthony?

anthony <3 - can you come over? i really wanna kiss you

albie ♡ - on my way


	11. these are getting worse and worse in quality, oop

MOTHER - Hey kids, I just wanted to let you all know that you’re all invited over for dinner tonight. There's gonna be a show afterwards that I want you to come to.

wannabe spice girl - ma,,, how long have you been in this groupchat?

MOTHER - Quite a while sweetie, someone must have added me by mistake. Oh and Race and Albert? I hope you boys are being safe. 

papa italiano - pffft

alboo - excuse me while i go leap off a cliff

lovey boi - please don’t do that because if you do race will jump after you and then spot will jump after you AND race and then all of spots friends will follow because they’re disturbingly loyal and it’ll just be a bloodbath

alboo - wait why spot

cryptid?? who knows has left the group

lovey boi - i thought it was obvious?????

bango - romeo, it took race and albert eleven years. give them some time

wannabe spice girl - i’ll go make sure spots alright

MOTHER - Make sure he comes! Nobody is allowed to skip dinner unless they have a real reason not to come. I better see you all here tonight. Okay?

605-475-6968 - yes mom

MOTHER - Thank you Roger

605-475-6968 - FINALLY

MOTHER had left the group 

605-475-6968 - fuck

papa italiano - albert we’re gonna fuck before we go to medda’s, that cool?

alboo - already getting in my car

blind boi - moments like this make me wish i really was blind


	12. the lesbian couple has arrived

bad bitch 99 has added sarahsmiles to the group

bad bitch 99 - Albert and Race have inspired me and Sarah says it’s okay. Sarah and I are dating, have been for a few weeks. 

sarahsmiles - <3 <3 <3

wannabe spice girl - THIS IS WHY WE SPENT SO MUCH TIME AT DAVEYS HOUSE

bad bitch 99 - Yes Jack, I am of course the only one who always dragged us to the Jacob’s house to oogle one of the older siblings. 

ass-picious manner - What

wannabe spice girl - we’ll talk about it later davey

ass-picious manner - Okay?

elmers gloo - this group is so gay we’re all thriving

wannabe spice girl - oh @ sarah, medda says you can come to dinner too since you’re now part of the gays

sarahsmiles - I’m bi but okay. I’ll see you all there then!

alboo - jack did you talk to spot?

wannabe spice girl - yeah, i gotta drag him kicking and screaming but hes coming too 

papa italiano - 10/10

cuteasabutton - wait race and albie are you two done fucking

keep ya shirt on - you don’t wanna know the answer to that question, just let them be.

ike - clearly tommy has seen sum shIT


	13. somehow albert is kind of helpful

jacky boy - hey albert can i ask you for some romantic advice

red boy - bud, i may be dating race, but i have no idea how i did it either

jacky boy - hnnng but like, how did he go about it? how did it like,,,, happen

red boy - he was telling me he was proud of me for coming out to you guys and then he just kinda,,, admitted he liked me. then i went over to his house and we kissed for a while and went on a date and have just kinda,, been going from there? we’re both just kinda taking it as we go and not planning anything since you know race and i never plan anything, ever

jacky boy - it was that simple?

red boy - it was that simple. it comes easy if both people care about each other a lot. it should be easy with you and davey

jacky boy - wait how did you know im talking about dave

red boy - i may have been blind to race’s stares but i’m not actually blind, i’ve got EYES jack

jacky boy - but what if he doesn’t like me back?

red boy - bud, you’re like a brother to me and i love you loads, but good god you’re stupid 

red boy - davey has been smitten with you since he first met you

red boy - you’re like, his entire world and it kinda killed him when you and kath started dating

red boy - but he supported you because he only ever wants you to be happy

red boy - boy you blind as fuck go get yours mans


	14. actual facts here which is p neat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oof i've been gone for a hot minute. sorry, i went through a really rough break up and i was like "let's abandon this" and then i was like "WAIT NO" so here we are. probably still gonna be hot garbage, but i love writing it so you're all gonna suffer

papa italiano - aight guys i gotta story TO TELL

itty bby - surprisingly enough, it is kind of a weird story

papa italiano - so in history we’re learning about the newsboys strike of 1899 yeah? So the teacher is telling us about the known strikers and like what they did and stuff and i’m mostly zoning out and thinking bout fucking albert. anyways, she mentions one of the strikers and you will not guess what this little fuckers name was

cuteasabutton - ....? are you gonna tell us?

papa italiano - pausing for dramatic effect

alboo - trust me, you’re lucky he’s not telling you this story in person because hes like a million times more obnoxious

papa italiano - oh hush you love me

alboo - i do, doesn’t mean you aren’t annoying

mushedpotatoes - gasp

ike - the boys said the L word

alboo - have been for a while but alright guys 

papa italiano - let me finish my story you heathens 

papa italiano - racetrack higgins

papa italiano - the kids name was racetrack

wannabe spice girl - wait really

ass-picious manner - Yeah actually, I had that same class last period and they told us all the known names and stuff and it kind of blew my mind

papa italiano - i wonder if that race was just as bangin as me

alboo - i actually despise you race

papa italiano - <33333


	15. they're all gay, every single one of them, fight me

wannabe spice girl - hey @ albert and @ race, you guys should go on a double date with dave and i

alboo - yeah sure

alboo - WAIT A SECOND

papa italiano - are they done being dumb?

elmers gloo - it appears so

finch fries - thank god

bango - if i had to sit through another two hour class with jack making pining heart eyes at david i would have launched myself out the window

wannabe spice girl - okay none of you reacted this way with race and albert????

crutch - because as annoying as they were, nobody is as annoying as you and your pining for davey

wannabe spice girl - okay ow??

ass-picious manner - It’s okay babe you made it cute somehow

hoehoe - tommy you owe me a twenty

keep ya shirt on - damn

ass-picious manner - Wait you bet on us!

keep ya shirt on - youre very impatient, woulda thought you’d broken down first and like, idk grabbed his face and made out with him

bad bitch 99 - I already did that, would not suggest

wannabe spice girl - my nose hurt for DAYS

bad bitch 99 - I mean you were the one who told me to punch you? And I kissed you instead? Pick your battles buddy

lovey boy - okay so how many of you are in relationships? 

alboo - me

papa italiano - me bitch

ass-picious manner - Jack and I

sarahsmiles - Me!

bad bitch 99 - Wow all Sarah said was ‘me’ yet I’m still so soft for her

mushedpotatoes - me

mike - wait a second

mike - mush, you’re dating someone?

mushedpotatoes - have been for literally over a year yeah

cuteasabutton - wait is it that dude with one eye from that private school by the apartments? 

mushedpotatoes - yep!

wannabe spice girl - WHY DIDNT YOU TELL US

mushedpotatoes - it wasn’t that big of a deal? you and kath had that thing and davey was sad and it just didn’t seem like a big deal at the time? idk 

bango - race and albert have only been dating for a few months and they never shut up about each other while you’ve been with blink for a YEAR and just never mentioned it? mush buddy i love you but what the fuck?

mushedpotatoes - you want me to add him to the group?

elmers gloo - YES

mushedpotatoes has added blinker to the group

blinker - ah yes, these fuckers


	16. this chapter is garbage and i hate it but im posting it anyways

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so i have on good authority that blinks real name is lewis so that's what we're going with here (thanks sammie @ben-cook-can-cook)

Lewissss - hey baby when are you free?

baby boy - why?

Lewissss - i wanna take you out??? tf?

baby boy - on a date or like,,, murder?

Lewissss - you know sometimes it’s really hard dating you

baby boy - thought you loved me babe 

Lewissss - i do, just occasionally you’re obnoxious

Lewissss - now tell me when you’re free and where you wanna go or else i’m gonna pick something super cheesy that your friends will roast you for

baby boy - honestly i just kinda wanna go to jacobis and then go back to your place to watch a movie

baby boy - is that okay?

Lewissss - of course, anything for you babe 

baby boy - wow im smitten as hell with you

Lewissss - i love you too baby


	17. guess who's back,,, back again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry i keep abandoning you guys i've been working on something else that stole all my attention so this was kinda forgotten. feel free to kindly bully me into updating. also any and all suggestions will be appreciated! i'd love to include some of your guys' ideas too!

papa italiano - bears. beets. battlestar galactica 

papa italiano - im losing my shit over that

alboo - IDENTITY THEFT IS NOT A JOKE JIM

papa italiano - MILLIONS OF FAMILIES SUFFER EACH YEAR

hoehoe has removed papa italiano from the group

alboo - WAIT NO

hoehoe has removed alboo from the group

hoehoe - too early for that shit

elmers gloo - albert actually screeched when you removed him, now hes glaring out the window

crutch - yeah sounds like something he’d do

wannabe spice girl - hes just a v emotional boy

blind boy - he got it from mom

wannabe spice girl - mom?

blind boy - davey

ass-picious manner - Since when was I mom? 

lovey boy - since you started dating dad

mushedpotatoes - kath is like a weird godmother that dad had a thing for a few years back but now theyre friends so we call her aunt kath, and sarah is the super cool aunt we all love but not more than davey because davey is MOM

bad bitch 99 - Yeah I’d agree with that assessment

cryptid?? who knows added alboo to the group

cryptid?? who knows added papa italiano to the group

papa italiano - SPOT I LOVE YOU

alboo - you’re the best spot

cryptid?? who knows - mhm


	18. daveys sexual awakening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so this is kinda nsfw (dicks and asses are mentioned) so if you wanna skip you totally can. thank you again to the wonderful sammie (@ben-cook-can-cook on tumblr) for facetiming me while i wrote this, you made me laugh and kept me entertained and also helpfully supplied some lines. love u bitch

ass-picious manner - SARAH

ass-picious manner - Jack PUNCHED someone

ass-picious manner - And it was kind of? Attractive in a way? 

ass-picious manner - Sarah help

ass-picious manner - Also I just realized this is the group chat

sarah smiles - Oh jeez

bad bitch 99 - Who did he punch?

sarah smiles - Wait! Before you answer that

sarah smiles has removed wannabe spice girl from the group

sarah smiles - Okay continue

ass-picious manner - Oscar Delancey

blind boi - honestly i think we all saw that coming 

papa italiano - albert and i just turned our phones back on what's happening? 

lovey boy - david is finally having his sexual awakening because jack punched oscar

alboo - jesus finally

ike - are you saying finally to the sexual awakening or finally to the punching?

alboo - a little mix of the both tbh

ass-picious manner - GUYS

sarah smiles - They’re being supportive bud, let it happen

papa italiano - if it helps you feel any better, my sexual awakening was when i watched albert dance once

alboo - wait what

papa italiano - why do you think i always asked to go to your dance practices and recitals?

alboo - O H 

finch fries - can you gays calm down for five seconds so we can focus on the other gays? 

keep ya shirt on - okay dave, what part of it was attractive? 

ass-picious manner - I don’t know, all of it? Like he just looked so angry and intense and the next thing I knew Oscar was on the ground and it was weird. It was a weird moment.

crutch - well boys (and sarah and kath) i think it's safe to say davey has discovered a new kink

ass-picious manner - Punching?

mushedpotatoes - No

mushedpotatoes - Jack going dom af

bango - mush thats gay

mushedpotatoes - nah i'm never gay

blinker - you’ve taken my dick up your ass babe, that's pretty gay

mushedpotatoes - we said no homo though

sarah smiles - Well on that note!

sarah smiles - I think we’ve solved David's dilemma. We can delete the chat and add Jack back now. David, you gonna be alright?

ass-picious manner - Yeah. I think I’m gonna talk to Jack about it.

elmers gloo - use protection!

the chat has been cleared

ass-picious manner has added wannabe spice girl to the group

wannabe spice girl - y’all being sneaky and i don’t appreciate


	19. sorry i've been gone :/

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sorry i've been gone y'all, i kinda lost the drive to work on this so my bad. also i'm sorry it's so short. i'll try and update more i pinky promise

hoehoe - (justapictureofhimholdingameltedcup.jpg)

hoehoe - i melted a cup

papa italiano - is that ur dick next to the cup

hoehoe - no??? that’s my thumb

papa italiano - hm. coulda fooled me

papa italiano - the sizes are pretty similar

papa italiano has been removed from the chat

alboo - that was so valid of you jojo

blind boi - i don’t think i’ve ever met someone who hates race as much as his own boyfriend hates him

alboo - it’s one of those relationships where i adore him

alboo - but also every moment of every day he is pushing my buttons 

alboo - he deserves whatever punishment he gets for being insufferable sometimes

alboo - but also on that note i’m adding him back

hoehoe - dammit albert i thought you were on my side

alboo has added papa italiano to the chat

papa italiano - i had to wait seventeen minutes

papa italiano - all of you can CHOKE


	20. javid is gay and i have a cold

Jacky - bby can i confess somethin to u 

daveyyy - Sure?

Jacky - i still got no clue what auspicious means 

daveyyy - Love we’ve gone over this. It means ‘conducive to success; favorable’

Jacky - wow ur so smart i love you so much

daveyyy - I just used google hun

Jacky - ur still so smart an i love you so MUCH

daveyyy - Are you drunk?

Jacky - jus drunk on love for you babydoll

Jacky - that’s a lie i’m not drunk

Jacky - cold medicine 

Jacky - we sick king

daveyyy - Remind me later to tell you how much I love you

Jacky - U LOVE ME

daveyyy - I love you

daveyyy - Now get some sleep Jack. And then drink some water right when you wake up

Jacky - ok

Jacky - hey wait one more thing

daveyyy - yeah?

Jacky - i love you 

daveyyy - I love you too Jacky


	21. i have a cold so they all have a cold now too. perish

cryptid?? who knows - jack you’re a real motherfucker you know that?

lovey boy - oh my god i think that’s the longest thing spot has ever said in this gc

wannabe spice boy - whatd i do???

cryptid?? who knows - you got me sick you fuckass

alboo - (his nose is all red and hes wearin a sweater it’s cute as fuck y’all)

cryptid?? who knows - i’m not cute and i WILL strangle you

alboo - you’d never lay a finger on me

blinker - is there something going on between you guys that we don’t know about?

papa italiano - nah

cryptid?? who knows - nah

alboo - nah

finch fries - ...

finch fries - okay ANYWAYS

finch fries - jack you bastard you got a bunch of us sick

wannabe spice girl - i can’t help it that i wanna be loving physically affectionate father for all of you!!

sarah smiles - Actually Les got Jack sick so technically Les got all of you sick

mushedpotatoes - les get’s a free pass on account of he’s a CHILD

papa italiano - he’s get’s a free pass on account of I LOVE HIM

ass-picious manner - How many of you did Jack get sick

keep ya shirt on - me, spot, race, jojo, finch, mush, mike, ike, and smalls

ass-picious manner - Nice going patient zero 

wannabe spice girl - IM SORRY

crutch - oh jack our favorite disaster bisexal

bad bitch 99 - I thought I was the bisexual disaster

elmers gloo - since you haven’t fully figured out if you’re bi or gay, you’re just a disaster right now

bad bitch 99 - Okay that’s really valid


	22. guess who's back (bah da da) back again (bah da da)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lmao i'm back from the void  
> will i return to the void again later?  
> probably.

blind boi - alright code green y’all. we lost the short one 

finch fries - which short one. we’ve got a few to choose from 

hoehoe - spot elmer romeo mush or smalls?

cryptid?? who knows - okay fuck you guys i’m not even with you 

hoehoe - i know i just wanted to call you short 

keep ya shirt on - yeah you’re with race and albert which is arguably worse than going to the gross denny’s with us 

papa italiano - be! nice! to! us!

alboo - at least we won’t be getting food poisoning unlike you assholes who have zero critical thinking skills 

alboo - rule of thumb is that if davey, kath, sarah, bill or darcy don’t go, it’s probably a bad place 

alboo - i may be gay and stupid but i’m not boutta give myself hepatitis by going to the gross denny’s with y’all 

papa italiano - DRAG THEM BABEY

wannabe spice girl - anyways 

wannabe spice girl - it’s elmer 

lovey boy - we’ve lost him boys 

micycle - oh no 

cuteasabutton - he’s probably crying about the mars rover again 

elmers gloo - ok you don’t fucking know me 

cuteasabutton - called it 

finch fries - is nobody gonna question why race albert and spot all skipped hanging out with us tonight

wannabe spice girl - let them be they’re goin through a time


	23. albert's got the flu

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the worst part of this chapter is the fact that it’s a true fucking story that happened to me and my friends when i had the flu. the american school system suck ass lmao, glad i transferred to a school that actually gives a shit abt their students. your health is more important than a fuckin grade folks

**race lost gc naming privileges**

 

albie - hey i’m gonna go throw up. could one of you write down the notes in case i miss something?

 

sean - fuck that just go home

 

albie - can’t. midterms are coming up and i gotta be prepared so i can pass or else i’ll lose my scholarship 

 

tony - your health is definitely more important than this stupid ass accounting class

 

albie - sounds like smthn somebody on scholarship wouldn’t say

 

sean - oh my god

 

sean - race, take notes for the both of us

 

tony - i can’t believe you fuckers are both leaving ME, arguably the worst at paying attention, to be the one to take all of our notes. this is gonna be our fucking downfall

 

albie - guys seriously i’m fine

 

tony - i’ll tell davey that you came to class while you were sick

 

albie - you wouldn’t

 

sean - if he wouldn’t i would

 

albie - i can’t believe you’re ganging up on me

 

albie - this is bullying i’m being bullied

 

sean - i don’t think us being concerned for your health can really be considered bullying

 

tony - i’m p sure that falls under the category of being caring boyfriends and not bullying but go off babe

 

albie - i just can’t fail this stupid class

 

tony - you won’t 

 

albie - you don’t know that

 

sean - we’ll help you study and work on shit. but right now you need to take care of yourself. you won’t fail

 

**meme fuckers**

 

cryptid?? who knows - i’m taking albert home. if any of you have classes with him could you take notes for him so he doesn’t miss anything important

 

ass-picious manner - Will do. Thanks for telling us Spot

 

crutch - wow he broke his record for the longest sentence he’s ever said in this groupchat

 

sarahsmiles - Albert honey if you’re reading this groupchat, feel better! Let us know if you need anything!

 

papa italiano - if he doesn’t read it i’ll show it to him when i get home

 

lovey boi - wow we love a couple

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i got too lazy to show the progress of spralberts forming relationship but surprise they're lowkey dating rn. the rest of the group doesn't know but they're not stupid as shit lmao, they've got some suspicions


	24. albert has the flu, PART 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the mars rover thing may seem like old news but i’m still fucking distraught over it so y’all get to suffer

alboo - i wanna give coyote peterson a hug 

 

sarahsmiles - Albert honey are you still sick?

 

cryptid?? who knows - he’s running a fever of over a hundred 

 

papa italiano - he refused to take his medicine unless we let him watch a playlist of all the times coyote peterson god stung

 

papa italiano - now he’s watching his ocean tide playlist 

 

alboo - i wish i had an iguana in my pocket :(

 

ass-picious manner - Albert would you feel better if Jack and I brought over soup and Les’ lizard for a visit?

 

alboo - PLEASE

 

papa italiano - i literally just got him to agree to take a nap and now he fucking refuses because the lizard is coming over 

 

papa italiano - fuck you guys 

 

keep ya shirt on - you’re just bitter that you can’t play tonsil tennis with albert until he gets better 

 

papa italiano - just because you’re right doesn’t mean you needed to say it 

 

wannabe spice girl - but on the bright side at least i wasn’t the one who got everyone sick this time!

 

bad bitch 99 - That’s only a bright side for you Jack. Everyone else is still suffering 

 

wannabe spice girl - who else is suffering?

 

bad bitch 99 - Albert still has the flu, Elmer is still in a depressive episode about the Mars rover, Crutchie lost his hamster, and I think Spot is going through a thing because he’s being weirder than usual.

 

bango - nah i think he just always acts like that but we never see it because he doesn’t talk in the gc

 

crutch - actually false alarm guys i didn’t lose pistachio, he was just hiding under some bedding 

 

sarahsmiles - That’s one crisis averted 

 

hoehoe - fuckin one out of a million crisis’ we face as a group every single day 

 

blind boi - still a crisis we averted! 

 

cuteasabutton - we’ll call it a win 


	25. i'm too lazy for a real plot so this is all nonsense

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my logical writing brain: "okay now we should get to work on a plot so there's a reason to read this!"  
> my monkey writer brain: "brah the fuckin what??? i'm just gonna keep writing nonsense"

alboo - i’ve finally managed to fist fight the flu off successfully without getting anybody else sick despite race trying his goddamn best to get himself sick because a-fuckin-pparently he can’t stay more than two feet away from me at a time

 

papa italiano - and that’s a problem because???

 

cryptid?? who knows - because you could have gotten sick and we would have been back to square one of dealing with a sick person??

 

blind boi - plus you’re so fucking loud when you’re sick. like, you whine more than anybody i’ve ever met

 

crutch - you make it sound like you’re dying whenever you get a cold

 

papa italiano - because maybe it feels like i’m dying ASSHOLES

 

lovey boi - that sounds like smthn an overdramatic person would say 

 

papa italiano - you wax poetics whenever one of your weird facebook pick up lines don’t work

 

finch fries - god i didn’t realize this was fuckin drag your friends day, i would have come prepared had i known

 

bad bitch 99 - No it is not drag day, all of you take a step back and calm down

 

alboo - how did this happen all i said was that i’m not sick anymore

 

sarahsmiles - Yes and we’re all very happy about that Albert! 

 

alboo - yo shout out to sarah for being the only fucking good person in this gc

 

papa italiano - both of your boyfriends are in the gc dipshit 

 

alboo - sarah is still the best

 

finch fries - bOTH

 

lovely boi - BOTH

 

keep ya shirt on - BOTH????

 

hoehoe - both?

 

crutch - oh should i join them??

 

crutch - okay give me a second to be convincing

 

crutch - bOtH??!?

 

wannabe spice girl - how does crutchie know and not ME

 

wannabe spice girl - the FATHER of this friend group

 

wannabe spice girl - you are all the worst children ever

 

crutch - you’re just bitter that i’m the keeper of this groups secrets

 

wannabe spice girl - you’re WHAT

 

elmers gloo - yeah he knows like everything about us

 

ass-picious manner - Yeah he’s really easy to talk to. 

 

wannabe spice girl - :(

 

itty bby - must suck to suck jack


	26. this chapter could be viewed as insensitive. my b

papa italiano - spot is too pussy to ask himself so hey can he add his weird buddy to this gc so he’s not the only one who broods here

 

wannabe spice girl - is that the scary one that looks like he’s built like a brick house?

 

cryptid?? who knows - yes

 

wannabe spice girl - *kill bill sirens*

 

bad bitch 99 - Jack just because you called him a bear once doesn’t mean he’s gonna kill you

 

cryptid?? who knows - he’s still pretty pissed about it but i’m 67% sure he won’t kill you for it 

 

wannabe spice girl - THAT’S NOT A WHOLE LOTTA CONFIDENCE SPOT

 

alboo - hm. tragic 

 

papa italiano - hm. tragic

 

papa italiano - HEY

 

papa italiano - WE SENT THOSE AT THE SAME TIME

 

blinker - y’all are the fuckin nightmare twins i stg

 

papa italiano - we can’t be twins because that’d be incest

 

alboo - no it’d be even worse.  _ twincest _

 

ikecycle - can y’all fuckin stop being i puke

 

mushedpotatoes - we’re all forgetting about the actual genuine nightmare twins. mike and ike

 

micycle - :O

 

ikecycle - 0:

 

finch fries - they’re not nightmare twins 

 

finch fries - they’re devil twins

 

micycle - you’re not wrong

 

ikecycle - did you know that the doctors think we had a triplet but we like absorbed them in the womb or something 

 

bad bitch 99 - ....

 

bad bitch 99 - You WHAT

 

ikecycle - they don’t know for sure but it doesn’t seem that far fetched

 

crutch - yeah that tracks

 

keep ya shirt on - the worst part of all of this 

 

keep ya shirt on - is that i’m not surprised 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if some of y’all don’t know what a bear is.. google it. i’m not your mom and i won’t be responsible for tainting the young fansies
> 
> also! fun fact. my sister had a twin in the womb, but she absorbed it which lowkey might have been a gift to this world because one of her is annoying enough, it’d be hell with two


	27. this really just, has no point huh. this entire chapter is nonsense

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo, bigass shoutout to heere_with_bad_stories because their comments are very very nice and have been hella charging my writer battery and i’ve been too awkward to reply to any of their comments so instead i’m just gonna call them out publicly on this chapter like a weirdo. anyways. enjoy y’all.

cryptid?? who knows has added hot thot to meme fuckers

 

ikecycle - did..

 

ikecycle - did you make that username yourself?

 

hot thot - nope

 

ikecycle - alright

 

crutch - hm. okay anyways 

 

crutch - i’m going to get a new hamster. does anybody wanna come with me to the pet store

 

alboo - ABSOLUTELY 

 

alboo - i’m gonna see sum FUCKIN LIZARDS

 

papa italiano - albert

 

papa italiano - albert

papa italiano - albert

 

papa italiano - can we buy a fish

 

cryptid?? who knows - absolutely not

 

papa italiano - ABSOLUTELY YES

 

cryptid?? who knows - oh my god

 

crutch - alright everyone that’s going say i

 

alboo - i

 

cryptid?? who knows - i 

 

papa italiano - i

 

wannabe spice girl - i

 

elmers gloo - can we get dinner after?

 

crutch - yeh

 

elmers gloo - i

 

finch fries - i 

 

bad bitch 99 - I

 

mushedpotatoes - i 

 

blinker - eye

 

blinker - haha get it, eye

 

papa italiano - yes we all got it blink

 

papa italiano - alright bitches lets go get sum fuckin food/a new hamster for crutchie

 

bad bitch 99 - Have you decided on a name and breed?

 

crutch - i’m getting a dwarf hamster and idk on a name yet. i’ll see what speaks to me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> naming rights for the hamster go to you guys, comment what names you want. have fun


	28. im goin thru a time. this chapter is prroof of said time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my sober mind will certainly look back at this choice and regret ever letting drunk me get in control of the car (my body) in the morning when she gets the keys back and has to drive me through a full day of classes n a tutoring sesh with this one kid who cant understand basic chem for the life of him  
> its okay though trev. youre trying n thats what matters. proud of u
> 
> also if youree underage.. don’t drink. its not cool. be responsible. because if youre not, youll throw up on your friends little brothers carpet and be too fucked up to clean it so you slowly and very clumsily make him pudding to apologize but then he doesnt want the pudding and you cry before falling asleep on your friends staircase
> 
> that story didnt occur today btw. im not /that/ fucked up

crutch - apictureofahamster.jpg

 

crutch - meet my son

 

keep ya shirt on - he have a name?

 

crutch - i was gonna go with another food themed name, to match pistachio

 

crutch - but york

 

crutch - it just spoke to me

 

papa italiano - tell them what his middle name is

 

crutch - ugh

 

ass-picious manner - Why ugh?

 

crutch - i gave race middle naming rights in return for some of his french fries

 

papa italiano - intestine

 

bad bitch 99 - W

 

bad bitch 99 - What

 

papa italiano - i was given too much power too quickly and i panicked

 

blinker - to specify, he went “FUCK UH UH. INTESTINE”” and then just planted himself like a tree after that and wouldn’t take it back

 

finch fries - huh

 

finch fries - i mean okay i guess

 

itty bby - guys id fucking die for hozier

 

itty bby - like he could say he wants to kill me and id just let it happen

 

itty bby - but he wouldnt

 

itty bby - because he’s so good

 

lovely boi - smalls are you good

 

hoehoe - she called me and wept for five minutes before telling me she loves women

 

bad bitch 99 - Shess going through a time, lets just let her be

 

finch fries - god smalls im with you

 

finch fries - hozier could murder me and i wouldn’t be upset at all

 

ass-picious manner - Whatever happened to appreciating celebrities like normal people? 

 

cuteasabutton - its out of date

 

itty bby - “imagine being loved by me” FUCK HOZIER I SURE DO

 

micyle - this may seem off topic but ike just walked into a wall n when i asked what was up he just shrugged and jus “forgot where i was”

 

itty bby - god his man bun FCUK

 

micycle - stop being horny for a second and laugh at my dumb brother

 

ikecycle - watch out fucker, i know where you sleep and i can pick loks

 

micycle - jojo im sleeping over at your place tonight

 

hot thot - you can pick locks?

 

mushedpotatoes - oh my god so much is happening right now

 

ikecycle - i can also play two harmonicas at once

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sum of this was pre-written but i got BORED and wanted to add more. if it’s illegible, sober me will fix it tomorrow  
> nite


	29. authors note (wack)

lmao sorry abt last night y'all i was goin through a thing

i might fix the chapter later but it's still mostly understandable so i might give it a pass?? idk yet

uhh, fuckin, a new chapter might be coming soon? i dunno i'm kinda losing inspiration so if theres anything you wanna see the boyz talk about or smthn, feel free to comment and i will gladly write an entire nonsense chapter a l l about it

alright that's it bye

-anna


End file.
